Mother Has Arrived

This year's Eurovision lineup is finally complete, and so it is time for this blog's annual ranking. My bottom 7 are as follows:


37. Belgium
Axel Hirsoux - “Mother”
Reaction: This is not only weak and boring, but also really creepy. This is one of the most co-dependent “I love you Mom” song I have heard. There's a line between “Thanks for supporting me” and “you're more than a soul mate” and this crosses it.
Best Part: “I'm weak, you're bright”
Rating: 1/5

36. Finland
Softengine - “Something Better”
 Reaction: This was so forgettable that I forgot the winner of the Finnish final twice. It's not terrible, but it's so anonymous that it's a non-entity. It shuffles along as okay background music for a car trip but it's not interesting enough to hold attention of sight and sound for three minutes.
Best Part: “All these words/Before she passed away” this got dark for a moment
Rating: 1/5

35. Denmark
Basim - “Cliche Love Song”
Reaction: After two years of magic, Denmark went back to sending their upbeat middle-of-the-road typical style. It's Bruno Mars meets that Eurovision tradition of nonsense words. It's a little more creative than its title implies, yet not original enough for it to be ironic.
Best Part: “I know from the pizza guy/That you're a special girl”
Rating: 1/5

34. Georgia
The Shin & Mariko - “Three Minutes to Earth”
Reaction: I appreciate that they're doing something different, and every Eurovision needs a weird song by musicians who are being really serious, but this is just unlistenable. This is a jam session, not a song.
Best Part: “Show us the stairways to come back to Earth/Skydivers/Space jump”
Rating: 1/5

33. Malta
Firelight - “Coming Home”

Reaction: Last year they did “Hey Soul Sister” and this year they're doing “I Will Wait,” apparently. This is less annoying than last year's but it's also less memorable. I can't believe I'm saying this – I would rather listen to “Tomorrow” twice than this once.

Best Part: “Electrify my bones”
Rating: 1/5

32. Armenia
Aram MP3 - “Not Alone”
Reaction: This is easily the most overrated song of the year. It's a lot of production and not a lot of song. Half the song is quiet buildup, and the other half drops the beat and repeats the lyrics. Neither half has a winning impact.
Best Part: The instrumental buildup to the chorus.
Rating: 2/5

31. Netherlands
The Common Linnets - “Calm After the Storm”
Reaction: Like Denmark, the Netherlands is back to its old tricks. This country song is a heartfelt post-breakup reflection. Musically, it's the same throughout and really boring.
Best Part: “Tears on a highway/Water in my eyes”... only teardrops?
Rating: 2/5